Inside The House
The second I’m alone is when the snow falls in my mind
Covering the tops of branches, the trees all highlighted
The birds sing about the end times and fly to safety
They know what’s about to happen in the forest
The visuals go black and white and I can’t feel the ground
I feel a pull towards a growing idea that I don’t want
It’s a mixture of a fear and a want for myself
A car honks at me and I’m back in my body
The grey blue skies showering my windshield with rain
A return to the routine, the living, the now
How can I possibly complain about endless suffering
When my life has a built in inevitable ending
A return to the routine, the living, the now
My muscles and my bones hurt at thirty four
Too many years on borrowed time
A return to the routine, the living, the now
I feel a pull towards a growing idea that I don’t want
It’s a mixture of a fear and a want for myself to die
The roads are littered with road side gravestones
I always speak to them as I drive by the spots they died
Maybe when it happens, I won’t be alone
The grey light from outside spills into the room
Adding more shadow and unease to the corners
Piles of dirty dishes haunt me like ghosts
I can hear them talking in the other room
I wish someone else would talk to me
A single phone call would let me move my body
The dust build up could dance in the television light
As I stand up to speak about how I’m doing okay
While I pace around the room, a tornado of dust eating me alive
My body a monolith in the living room, where no living happens
My flesh so rotten soap’s scent fades in seconds
There is no pleasures, only moments of escapism
Do I cut my arms up like in my teenage years?
With the hopes of feeling this body once again
Do I ever want to be me again?
My feet are cold twice, the heat is broken, and I’m scared
Is god supposed to help you in these moments?
Is all of my suffering my own fault because of free will?
Can this happen to a normal man?
Have I been living in an abandoned body for years?
Is it the same as the abandoned houses
That used to surround the small town I’m stuck in
The furniture inside of me is orange and brown
Covered in mold and dust with cat scratches on the sides
There's always moonlight coming in the windows
And a fog that lingers in the rooms that smells like country roads
The carpets are soaked in blood, it gushes under your feet
Filling in the spaces between your toes with my wrist liquid
A wind blows in the window and the white curtains point
The bathrooms at the end of the hallway, and the lights on
You’re more than welcome to step inside
It’s been lonely in here for quite some time
Great Great Grand Coffin
I can't wait to be dead
Dead is all I'll ever be
Just like my great great grandparents
No ones going to remember me
Bloodlines of struggle
They all start with a kiss
What was point of it all
For me to end up like this
Alone in an apartment
Dreading the world outside
My bedroom is a coffin
Im already dead inside
A sad ghostly figure
That haunts and pays rent
A decoration hanging
His neck slightly bent
Can I Visit Them In Dreams
Can i visit them in dreams?
The places i used to live
I remember the details
Others would forget
Markings on walls
Carpet tearing in the corners
These are places i want to visit
I want to view them as they were in memories
The smells and textures of the floors
The height of the ceilings
From the perspective of a younger me
The rooms i cut my wrists in
The rooms i had fever dreams in
The rooms i surfed the old internet on
The moments and memories
If i could go back maybe i could change them
Maybe i could end my own suffering
Maybe i could save myself
Can i visit them in dreams?
The places i used to live
Why would anyone want to go back there
Autumn romances and cigarette smoke
Black trench coat armor for protection
I remember drinking alone
I remember drinking with friends
I remember wanting to leave my body
The flesh no longer serves me
The moments in time are too harsh
My mind cant handle the torture
I still feel this way
I'm so afraid of dying, but i cant live
Can i visit them in dreams?
The other versions of myself
Theyre seperate from the me that exists
Its not the same person
Something bad happened inside the flesh
There is a pit of black tar rotting at the core
Can i visit them in dreams?
The youngest version of myself
Can i tell him to drink stuff from under the sink
Can i end it all before it happens
Can i end it all
Can i visit myself in a dream?
Childhood Atoms
I think it's time, to lose my mind
Never sleep, watch it all unwind
Dream fog breaks into my world
My body is shifting, feeling twirled
Spinning faster, everything's lines
Body melting, we don't need spines
My liquid dances, floats in the air
Blood, piss, and bits of beard hair
Are there memories, inside the slop
Or as I'm emulsified, they suddenly stop
Does my childhood matter
As all my atoms scatter
Do my choices remain
As I become rain
I think it's time to lose my mind
Dreams and reality become entwined
Break apart from the flesh
The ghost of me in the astral mesh
A Breeze Moved My Car Into Oncoming Traffic
Euphoric sensations in my mind temple
A crisp breeze hits my face
I wonder how many more Autumns I'll experience
Before I leave this place
Just keep breathing deep
In a shade filled room with blackened dust
Surrounded by your belongings
Covered in mold and rust
Always chasing the freshest air
But refusing to open a window
No escape plan set in stone
I hope it isn’t painful or slow
The most beautiful sun filled skies
The leaves all changing colour
So much to look forward to
My mind screams "why bother!"
A slight shift in my wheel
I'd be over the line
Into oncoming traffic
I think that'd be just fine
Blood soaked metal fantasy
The last thing I'll see is the light
I don't think this is heaven
And something doesn't feel right
Window ghost
Traveling to places i used to live
Using old internet images
I zoom into the windows
Of rooms i used to occupy
Sometimes im scared ill see myself
Trapped in those moments
That i want so desperately to escape from
A ghost of myself that doesnt exist anymore
I remember the sun burning me through the glass
I remember the smell of the metal screen
I remember the sounds
My body remembers the sounds
My muscles still tense up when i hear them
Maybe the ghosts are in my body
Scared to fully die and move on
Comfort in the discomfort
As they fight for space between my organs
If i slice open my arm maybe they'll flow out
Possession
Conjure me at the seance
Candles lit, the veil is lifting
Dark room, I become the shadows
Speak to me please im scared
Attached to the physical
Afraid to cross over
Call me back to your table
Let me float above you
Gazing at your flesh
Memories of the physical
Somehow better than nonexistence
To caress your flesh
One final time
Bring a companion to the table
Trick them with your ways
Allow me to possess them
So once more i can meet your gaze
Writing Poems On Leaves
Writing poems on leaves
Words are worthless
Nothing matters
Everything goes back to the all
Everything has meaning
Everything wishes to be expressed
To be understood
Through the human understanding
We use words to communicate
Writing words into poetry
Writing poems on leaves
Words aren't worthless
Everything matters
We all go back to nothingness
Do we scream from the nothing?
Do we know we are not?
What comes after death?
I wish to understand
Writing poems on leaves
Words are a human invention
Its all pretend
We don't exist outside of the all
To nothing we will return
Though you can never understand it
I will never understand it
Why do we live at all
We will never understand
Everything is something
Everything is nothing
I am nothing
How Long Does It Take A Scream To Reach God?
How long does it take a scream to reach god?
Why has it not stopped my suffering?
Where are the miracles?
Show me something more than leather binding and words.
Show me something more than tall structures.
How long does it take a scream to reach god?
Is it because I'm quieter and avoid conflicts?
Is it because others have it worse?
Is there something I did that has damned me to hell?
How long does it take a scream to reach god?
I can see god doesn't hear the children's screams.
I know mine are louder than those of the dying.
Where are the miracles?
How long does it take a scream to reach god?
Fleshbags carry a cross around their neck.
While hating their neighbors.
Show me my father's death in slow motion.
Let me see what my mother's rape produced.
Show me my sibling who didn't make it.
Small additions to a life already tainted by darkness.
Where are the miracles?
How long does it take a scream to reach god?
When I breathe my last bit of air.
When the room I'm in starts to spin.
When my limbs go numb and cold.
When the loneliness catches up with me.
When I'm isolated and choking on nothing.
When my lungs burst.
When my bowels let loose.
When I lay motionless as flies walk on my eyes.
How long will it take for god to notice?
How long until someone finds me?
Do I get to leave a stain on a carpet?
A final art piece painted in my body fluids.
Will someone remember that image?
Will someone take a picture?
Is this a legacy?
My father never told me how to leave one.
Where are the miracles?
How long does it take a scream to reach god?
How long does it take a scream to reach god?
How long does it take a scream to reach god?
Maybe I'm just not loud enough.
Going for a ride
I dip into the astral mesh
Meditative altered stress
Deep mind, black hole swimming
Void space, swallow whole living
Dark desire, pockets made of flesh
Outlook rotten, cold wind fresh
Black obsidian sucks my brain
Allow the flow to the astral plane
Esoteric, melting grimoire pages
Counting flesh lines, while he ages
Watch the hours on the wall ticking past
Wonders which moment will be his last
Ambient waves of darkness crash
Reminds him of his haunted past
The future endless, abyss eternal
Dark mind state, it's all internal
Move towards and up to light
Someday soon, but not tonight
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Strike the match, eternal flame bursts
Soak the musty rooms with smoke
As you call to the astral world
Hauntings from shadow worlds from the night before
Seem to fade like the Doppler effect into mute closets
The next night as the moon rises and fills the sky
With static white haze and ambient cloakings
There is less chaotic energy in the darkness
And a sudden silence of the rooms
Fills your eyes with wonder
And calms your soul
dust end
They wasted their last nights on the planet
Drinking away their pain and endless sadness
Distant dust falling through the sky
Creating wisps of music to the ears of humans
The atmosphere was filling with dust quickly
She spent most of her life waiting to be swept off her feet
She waited to wear that perfect dress she bought
She always wanted to save her perfect moments
For the natural time in which they would happen
But there was no natural time anymore
Each waking moment was a slice of glass on the inside of a lung
Each second of life felt like years of pain and suffering
Balls of chalk and dust built up at the corners of her eye sockets
She wanted to cry and show her lover that she felt something
But the liquid soaked into the dust and was forgotten
A fine powder coated all of the houses and cars
The whole colourful world turned to a shade of yellow
The thin yellow dust film collects on her eyeballs
As her body hangs in freeze frame
Reaching out
Towards the last person she ever loved
Towards the last person she ever saw
starchild
An owl watches from a nearby tree
Eyes wide and focused on the movement
As a purple portal opens in a dark forest
And from an astral world she appeared
Unsure how she arrived, but glad that she did
A moment in space, she floats above time
She created a body to inhabit
It's outer shell more ravishing than the sun
As it pours heat into the petals of flowers
And calms them after a horrifying night with the moon
Her statuesque form as fluid as water
She pours herself into the life of someone
Filling his eyes with mystic wonder as he gazes in her direction
He can tell she is something both wonderful and strange
She approaches him and speaks with an angelic voice
Time is a flat dimension and her words break space-time
They travel forward together within a timeline
Holding hands as if not get lost or separated from each other
Two warm bodies, share their teeth with each other
Their hands clasp together still, in a rusting car from 2004
They're driving somewhere, but they don't know where
Sky tears flickering downward from the clouds
On the metal and glass surrounding them
The woman watches the man driving
As the street lights and headlights of other cars caress his face
Hiding him in shadow one second
And allowing him to shine the next
They park the car in a parking lot and sit for a moment
The car is warm inside and the engine gets shut off
The ambient silence rings in the space they occupy
Miles Davis plays the trumpet for them
While an intense rain scatters on the car roof outside
They embrace each others lips and bodies
Sucking the warmth out of the air to fill their bodies
The warmth of the car slowly fades to a crisp air
Ice crystals begin to form on their eyelashes
As they kiss each other, their breath flows together
Dancing in the chilled air around their heads
Then disappearing into the shadows inside the car
"Where did you come from?" She asks him.
"Where did you come from?" He asks her.
She was making his heart skip a beat
Like rain on windshields when you drive under a bridge
A jolt of joy, silence of the mind, a calmness
A meditative cloud aura that consumes the dark parts of your being
Smothers them with affection until they rot and dissolve away
The two sat inside the car hands still together, frozen in ice now
Their eyes locked, gazing into each others view
Warming their cores with emotions still unspoken
Their chests begin glowing purple
As transparent astral appendages move forth from their bodies
Meeting between them forming a connection
An explosion of purple light fills the car and the two disappear
The start of something beautiful, from a world beyond our own
Yet here we are in the physical, made of flesh and bone
Your hands are so soft and the dark contrasts mine
I'll lay with you in ecstasy and softly caress your spine
Stare into your eyes and lean in to kiss your lips
Travel to the future, so we can fly in rocket ships.
Twitching In sunlight
A collection of poems and other writing from 2013 - 2017.
broken muscles
He sits and stares at a blank page
A blank text document yet to be printed
His hands cramp up at age 27
They are almost useless now
Doctors said it was nothing, run it under some hot water
Will this be my chronic pain?
Will this be why I get addicted to a substance?
A coffee cup sits on a nearby window ledge
It forms a ghostly shape of steam on the window behind it
He sits and stares at a blank page
A blank text document yet to be printed
He feels like his art is failing and falling behind
Because all he does is work and sleep
He's due for a breakdown
A complete and total shut off from friends
Ghosts that fill his 1880's house dance on his bed
They don't make a sound, but he can smell the old cooking spices
Embedded into their dresses and the walls of the house
Paintings of mess and lack of detail hang on the wall
No one, not even he can make sense of them
He calls them anxiety and dark images
It's because that's all he visualizes
He doesn't understand the beautiful flower that blooms
He understands the dog corpse that rots beside a highway
He feels a fog rushing from the back base of the skull
The fog engulfs the brain and his mindset is jaded for a week
When will this go away and let his hands work again?
He sits and stares at a a blank page
A blank text document yet to be printed
He sits...
She doesn't know
She stands on a pile of televisions from her childhood living room nightmares
The winter blizzard of white noise slashes the air pockets around her ears
Beyond the fog of the room, she can see her father screaming in the distance
Nothing can be heard from his mouth, she smiles at the comfort
Bare feet step onto puffy carpeted floors, and a smell of fresh paint fills her nose
The dark green walls are peeling away, the paint faded in spots and ripping open
Behind the painted walls she can see herself in a nursing home
Wrinkled hands hold a remote for a television, she presses the power button
The television lets out a static hiss that fills the room and she wakes up
She is standing on a pile of televisions from her childhood living room nightmares
She wonders if this is what Alzheimer's feels like, does anyone know where she is
She can't remember if she's the old woman in the nursing home
Or the child in the living room staring through holes into her future
Trapped inside of a dark childhood memory, trapped inside of a biological flesh pocket
Wrinkled like space time, she begins to cry deeper than she even knew she could
The old woman, sitting still in the nursing home begins to cry while watching white noise
The young girl cries in her living room
Her father screams ambient nothingness in the distance
Her tears fall to the nearby television screen and float above the screen
Dancing on static waves of nostalgia, she remembers playing in the snow
She remembers walks through the forest and splashing her feet in the creek
Memories flood her mind while her eyes roll back into her skull
All of the tear drops floating above the television screen evaporate
Her memories are forever gone within her own self
A shadow version of the being is left in a dark room
Unable to find itself
It tries to cry out
But it lacks the knowledge of what crying is
smash
I want a rock to smash my head
I want to be alive, not dead
Forget who I was, am, and will be
Start over again
Forget all the horrors and pain
Re-start and live once again
Keep this worthless meat suit
Create a fresh outlook on life
You are a memory I would wish to keep
But it would leak in aspects of the other memories
I would become myself again and it would all be for nothing
The pain, the suffering all for one memory to ruin it all
I woke up one morning and forgot who i was for about 10 seconds
I was terrified at first, then it sunk in that it was beautiful
Then I remembered who I was, and it was disgusting
I skipped work that day after I found out who I was
I couldn't face the day as this person
He was horrible, he is horrible