The Stories I'll Never Write

Wild to think about, that I will 100% die with stories in my head that I never got to tell anyone.

I’m slowly trying to go through my phone and my laptops and pull together all of my writing, I don’t care how horrible it sounds, or if the words don’t make sense. I just want more of my ideas, and thoughts out there for people to take into their minds and maybe feel something.

Like I said in my last blog post, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to commit to a daily, weekly, or even monthly posting, but the odd time I will come back here and write a little something. Just to let people know I’m still alive.

Also, an update to the last post in regards to AI ART.

FUCK AI ART.

I regret that I ever touched that shit, but it was new, and I was curious.

The New Flesh

I don't think I will ever be able to keep up a blog on a regular basis, but this website will remain here and when I feel the need to post something I guess I will. I doubt anyone is reading this anyway. Since my last post I have acquired a new job, and my body and mind are beyond happier.

It was a literal switch from night to day, and also a mental one. I was actually getting pretty suicidal again, or at least the thought of it. Thankfully I was able to pull myself out of that situation, and get myself into something that allows me to thrive as a human being.

I haven’t been making much art lately, mostly because my art has always been an outlet for bad thoughts and horrible feelings. I really haven’t had any of those since starting this new job, so I don’t feel the drive to create art as often.

I also notice myself getting angry at myself for not making art, or getting chest palpitations if I go too long without creating something. There is something in me that still wants to create art, it’s just harder to find the motivation to do it, because I’m not in a dark enough place anymore.

Having said all that, I think back to David Lynch talking about Van Gogh. He talks about how much more art, and how much better the art could have been if Van Gogh had been a happier person. Lynch doesn’t believe that you need to be suffering in the real physical world in order to create something dark. So as much as I keep telling myself that I’m happy now so I don’t need to keep making art, there is always that in the back of my mind telling me that my art can now in fact be better, or at least maybe grow in a new direction I never thought possible before. Something positive to think about for myself.

I’ve also started to experiment with ai (artificial intelligence) art software. What you do with it is put in a prompt such as “ man in trench coat floating in the middle of a dark room, 35mm, black and white.” The ai will then generate images which you can then manipulate and change further once they are done creating images based off your input. I’m still on the fence as to if I think this is me creating art. On one hand, without my exact prompt, that image would never exist, but on the other, it’s still a computer program generating that image, not me.

I’m trying to view it as a tool, rather than a way of making art. I’m also thinking that I will use it create something I wouldn’t be able to think of visually, and then I can always take pieces of them and make them into paintings, thus making it my own art that I actually crafted myself by hand.

I can’t think of anything else to say, my main reason for coming on here was to update the website a little bit and change a few things, so I figured for anyone who gives a shit, here’s a blog post with a bit of an update.

Pandemic Art Mind

I was listening to the MicroSpy podcast episode with Jesse Draxler back in the middle of May of this year and in it Jesse mentions that not much had changed for him in terms of isolation and staying inside. That really hit home with me, someone who’s more of a homebody, and would rather stay in and watch a movie, or paint something, rather than go to the local pub and knock a few back. But outside of this normalcy, the whole world has gone into a state of shock, and fear.

No one was outside anymore. The streets were empty, highways had very few cars on them, and all of my closest friends became super quiet and we all had to stop our usual hanging out. Moods and mental states of some of the most happy people I know, dropped like they had just inhaled aerial nerve agent. The lack of normalcy in my life has lead to 2020 being the slowest year for producing art for me.

Like I said before, nothing really changed for me, I was still at home, still doing my usual thing of staying at home most of the time, but there was something in the air, something was off. There was a universal mood shift, and it heavily effected me, and my will/want to make art of any kind.

I’ve still made some art this year, which I’m very happy with, and thankful for.

I also launched my online print store this year, and now have piece of my art all around the world, which is a super weird feeling but also a very nice one.

October was a good month for art, lots of inktober prompt lists to work with, and the spooky vibes were at an all time high, so my work got shared around quite a bit on Instagram, but even with all of that, I failed to make three paintings I really wanted to have done in time for Halloween, to do a big giveaway, and I didn’t get around to doing it because the motivation wasn’t there.

I’m working hard on getting motivated to make art, not for anyone else, but for myself. When I’m making art I feel free of all negative thoughts and emotions. I’m not even really me anymore. I create this false reality in my mind and I go there, leaving the physical body behind, but also using it as a tool to paint what I’m seeing in this other world. It’s 100% an escape from the world, and it feels good to go in, to get out.

I’d also like to start blogging more, but I haven’t got a clue if I have enough things to say to keep it a scheduled thing.

To anyone who reads this, keep your head up, stay positive, and go make some art.

Novella: Hydrolyzed Winter

So I wrote a Novella about three years ago, totally forgot I even wrote it, and then found it again. So I spent a whole day editing as best as I could and posted it up here on my new page: NOVELLA. Give it a read if you’re into weird science fiction. Thanks a heap.

Drawings and Doodles and Dicks, Oh My.

I added a new poem on the POEMS page.
I have added 54 new weird images to the WORK DOODLES page and I have also added a page for my DRAWINGS.
I’m slowly working on completing Safety Saves Vol.4, so expect that at some point soon.
In the meantime, go outside.
Okay bye.

Freezer Scraps

I used to write a lot at an old job of mine. I worked in a huge freezer, and it was very cold and lonely. I also went through a huge breakup at one point. I have held onto the papers until this past week. They filled a huge reusable shopping bag. Most of what was written down was just the ranting of a young angry kid and I felt so far from the words I wrote. Some of it was laughable, and I just couldn’t relate to that person, or what he was feeling at all. Even though that guy was me. Some of the things still made me feel something when I read them, so I’ve collected what I felt was worth keeping from 2012 to 2014 (roughly), into this small five page PDF called FREEZER SCRAPS.

3 DEAD TRICK OR TREATERS

The great Torin Langen, has his film 3 Dead Trick or Treaters now on Blu-ray!

Don’t forget to check out http://www.candleflamefilms.com/ for more updates.

You can pre-order your copy HERE!

You can watch the trailer below!

After stumbling upon the graves of three murdered trick or treaters, a small town paperboy discovers a series of handwritten horror stories tacked to the children's headstones. Penned by a deranged pulp author driven mad by his craft, the stories chronicle grisly tales of Halloween rites, rituals and traditions.

a film, a comic, a book

I've started to work on some projects for myself that I'm pretty stoked to just dick around with. One of them is a script for a short film. I have wanted to make a legit film for such a long time now, and I think I can finally write something that has meaning to me, that might be able to hit a note with some other people as well. At least that's the hope I have in making this thing. A few years back I told myself that my one goal in life was to make a feature length film, just one. Just to prove to myself that I could do it. I don't really care if that happens anymore, but I would like to make something real, and something that someone else can watch over and over, or put on as background noise while they sleep. I want to make something that people can find comfort inside of, and relate to on a weird level.

The second thing I'm going to be working on shortly is a comic series. I'm not some amazing artist, nor can i draw the same thing twice. But I think I'm just going to not give a shit and make things the way I can, and that's going to be good enough. I'm still trying to figure out the formatting of the comic and how often I'll make them, but I think it's going to be funny. I draw dumb shit at work all the time and it makes me laugh when I'm having a bad day. You can peep some of these drawings on my work doodles page on here.

I'm also working on typing up and finishing Safety Saves Vol.IV. I have a huge stack of paper that I have to go through and figure out what's worth writing out, and what I can fix or re-work a little so it isn't complete garbage. But I'm stoked to get that thing done, and I might self publish the four of them together and make like twenty copies and try to sell them or something. Only time will tell, but I'm stoked.

Blogs & Backlogs

I remember back in the day I had LiveJournal blog. I used to throw all of my teenage angst at that blog. I remember some of the posts on there were just lists of things I hated, and lists of people I wished died. It's weird looking back on the memories of these things with a now more mature mind. I feel it was healthy to get that out rather than bottle it up at that age, and seeing as only my close friends had a link to the page, I didn't really worry about people seeing it. Eventually some family members found it and made me delete it, but i had made a backup of it anyway.

 I've always wondered how kids of the past generations did this sort of thing. They didn't have a huge digital platform to just puke their mental garbage onto, so what did they do? Did they start smoking or drinking, and just hold it all inside? Did they write in a diary or journal and hide it under their pillow? They must have done something with their thoughts.

That brings me to the children of today. These little fuckers have to create a whole fake life online, boasting about how amazing everything is, and how awesome their lives are. They're basically creating a product to sell out of their lives. I guess my generation did that with sites like Myspace and Vampirefreaks too, but it still seems different this time around. It all seems a little weird, but I guess that's what every generation says about the up and coming one. "This is why the kids are misbehaving" or "remember when it was this way and better". For my generation it felt like a giant thing for attention. Now it's not even just kids, but everyone throwing up pictures of what they ate, and a selfie in their expensive workout clothing in a gym mirror, or a throwback picture to that perfect vacation they went on that you 100% can't afford. 

I was eating dinner at a sushi place last night and saw a big family of about eight people sitting down for dinner. There were three small girls, no older than six. They all had one of the newest iPhones in their hands and barely looked at their family or ate any food. I understand that phones are pretty much a part of life now, and not just some "cool thing that some friends at school have", but it was still just odd to see that. To those girls, they just have a thing that's part of their lives, and everyone else their age. To me, it seems like they shouldn't be anywhere near that shit until their much older. There's the old man in me, thinking that my generation did it better than this one.

Maybe we did, maybe the one before mine was better, we'll never know. The world keeps spinning, people keep being born into a weird world that's slowly on its way out, while the old generations of people fade out with it. There will always be something new that no one but the young kids understand, and everyone from the older generations is just going to have to quietly be grumpy about it while they slowly drive somewhere because they "don't trust those damn self driving cars".
 

Objects / Memories

At least once a month I get this big idea in my mind to just throw away all of my things that I own. All the VHS tapes and DVDs. The weird books and records that litter my shelves collecting dust. The drawers filled with random small things that I just might use one day. A few things run through my mind when I'm having these moments. One is the freedom that would come with owning nothing. Moving would simple, and no one could steal things I don't own. I could travel with a backpack and it would be enough to hold everything I own. I wouldn't have to look at all of these things, all of the time. 

The second thing I think about is my Nana. She has a two story house filled with her things. I think they're all beautiful, and shes got a neat little story to go with everything. Like the cookie jar in her kitchen from the 1930's that used to be her mothers. Or the magazines in her basement that she got when she was in her twenties. Her book collection is massive too, and shes read mostly all of them. 

I really want to own nothing, and in turn stop buying new things just to own them. It's a very bizarre concept, to own something. I still own all of my things, stuffed animals from childhood, up to a sweater I bought a year ago, and a new lamp that a co-worker gave to me. These things are nice or important to the story of my life in one weird way or another, so I hold onto them. 

I've had the idea in my head to get rid of my things many, many times, but I still sit here with all of the things. I have never actually done a full toss out of all everything. Some of my things I haven't touched in years, so would I really miss that object if I donated it to a thrift store? When I die in the future, even if something is placed in my coffin with me, if I'm in a coffin, that doesn't follow the memories I have of that object into the darkness, it simply just exists within a box with a rotting corpse. My memory of the object is forever lost and the object doesn't exist in a place where someone can have it.

The fact that nothing lasts forever is horrifying. My VHS tape with the very first power rangers episode on it that I have had since I was kid will be gone within a century I would assume. The things that I find beautiful, magical, and special to me about that small tape will never be able to be captured for someone else to understand. So I hold onto these things within this false mindset that having the object means something.

My grandmother in Montreal has Alzheimers. After my grandfather died, it was just her inside the house with her dog Lucky. She had a whole household of things, and then slowly she started faded away. All of her memories are mashed up and broken, and some lost forever. All of the things in her house where sold or given away, minus a few items which she now has at her nursing home. The memories of the objects are gone. The physical objects are gone. This beautiful woman who lived a whole life and had all of these things isn't even herself in her body anymore.

Nothing lasts forever, and it scares the shit out of me. Maybe that's why I hold onto these things. Maybe that's why I can never get rid of them, even though I kind of want to. 

My Top 50 Favourite Movies In Alphabetical Order Because It's Too Hard To Number Them All: The Musical

  • A Ghost Story
  • Alien
  • American Movie
  • Blade Runner
  • Boyhood
  • Chasing Amy
  • Clerks
  • Control
  • David Lynch: The Art Life
  • Ed Wood
  • Eraserhead
  • Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • Fight Club
  • Frances Ha
  • Garden State
  • Ghost World
  • Ginger Snaps
  • Good Will Hunting
  • Interstellar
  • Into The Wild
  • Jean-Michel Basquiat: The Radiant Child
  • Kill Your Darlings
  • Leon: The Professional
  • Lost Highway
  • Lost in Translation
  • Mallrats
  • Mulholland Drive
  • Natural Born Killers
  • Night of the Living Dead
  • Office Space
  • Pi
  • Primer
  • Pulp Fiction
  • SLC Punk
  • Se7en
  • Slacker
  • Submarine
  • Super Dark Times
  • Taxi Driver
  • The Blair Witch Project
  • The Breakfast Club
  • The Crow
  • The Dreamers
  • The End of the Tour
  • The Evil Dead
  • The Matrix
  • The Squid and the Whale
  • This Is England
  • Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me
  • Upstream Color

Camus Helps The Mind

A week ago or so I sat down with weird thoughts of death in my head. Not suicidal thoughts, quite the opposite of that actually. It was the fear of dying one day, of not existing. What is the point to doing anything if you actually just don't exist one day? I think about this shit a lot, and I hate it. There's moments when I'm in the middle of my day at work and I would love to just break down and cry at the thought of my future self dying. 

In my horrible mind state I decided to take to the internet in search of someone with answers on how to calm this thought process, or make it go away entirely. One person said to read something by Albert Camus, and that they felt some sort of comfort after reading things by him. I had a few of his books in my closet, but I never actually read them. So that day felt like the best time to do it, so I did. I picked up my copy of 'The Stranger' and read it from cover to cover in about three and half hours.

For the next few days I felt a weird calm about dying. Like it was going to be okay, no matter what comes after, or doesn't come after. A week after my good friend Sean picked me up a copy of one of his other books called 'The Fall'. Which I didn't have, so that was awesome. I've started reading his book called 'The Plague', but I've found myself getting sidetracked by reading Dungeon's and Dragons books to prepare for an upcoming campaign I'm running. 

I've been feeling like crap and having weird thoughts about dying at work again recently. I think I need to focus on reading more Camus, or maybe just go see a therapist and see if there is another way to get these thoughts under control. They haunt me daily, it's actually horrible. It's like fearing a death that you assume will happen soon, but in reality it won't happen for another fifty plus years. (I hope)

New Website

So I finally decided to get myself a website, my own little corner of the internet. Updates to follow.